Friday, November 27, 2009

Will I Love It? A Revelation of Insecurities

I monitor numerous travel blogs and I love the writers' apparent lack of direction and ability to experience the moment. I love the exotic places and their seemingly effortless ability to 'get local' in whatever environment they happen to be in. I love to take photographs and I envy their freedom to create a picture that captures their moment.

I wonder if when given my wildest dream, is there a possibility that it could become my wildest nightmare. I have gotten posh and soft since my younger years of travelling on trains and living in dorms. Can I live communally aboard a sailboat in order to experience the journey? Can I live local? How do we define that word local? Are there multiple definitions and levels of living local? Do I know how to do nothing and just be in the moment anymore? What will take the place of the incessant list that scrolls in my mind? Will I mourn the life that I left behind? Maybe. I can always come back and do what I do now. Can't I? Will I? I cannot imagine going backwards but it reassures me as I look into an unplanned future.

There I think I inadvertently hit on it. Unplanned. My whole life is planned and predictable. Safe. A recurring theme in my blog is my fear of the unknown. Of change.

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." (Eleanor Roosevelt) Hmmmm.

Can I rediscover my authenticity under the layers of acquired adaptive behaviors? Maybe travelling can accelerate this process.
Will the money last? There is a lot of it but truly I am unaware of what it would take to be a nomad full time. I am not a backpacker/camper/sleep with a pile of students kind of person but I have discovered ways of travelling that are none of these yet within budget.

I am 10-15 years from retirement so really this is a decision to retire if I go now. But there are ways to create a meaningful, lucrative retirement should I decide to come back.

There. I have laid all my insecurities in writing. Very therapeutic. Illuminating.

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